The story of Vagineer
NOTE Vagineer is a TF2 character edited on a software called Garry's mod. If you do not know who he is, search on You Tube, "Vagineer is hungry", "What happens if you try/ succed to backstab Vagineer" and "Vagineer is hungry 3" before reading this. You might want to play TF2 as well. Okay, you still here? Good. From this point on, I will tell the story of how the person came to be. Chapter 1 There was a team.No, not a team, not even close. A nine- man army. They always dressed in red. Never green or blue, but RED. When looking over all of them, you decide that the person with the bald head and ferocious Minigun would have the best odds of winning a battle. However, some things are not as they seem... One of them stook out like a sore thumb. He had oil on his clothes, you could always see him carying a rusty wrench around and he had a badly shaved grey beard. Not to mention the hardhat. He had a name, but everyone called him "Engineer." The reason for that nickname is because he built machines to give his team mates energy, machines to teleport them places and, when the situation was desperate, tripod mounted, camera controlled guns. His motto, "Use more gun." Now, as much as he loved his machines, the best thing about them was upgrading them. After all, it does get boring watching your gun shooting people to death until they shoot missiles. His best friend, everyone called "Pyro." Pyro had a gas mask that s/he wouldn't take off, so nobody knows what Pyro's face looks like, let alone the gender. It has been said that not even Pyro's parents know. Pyro and Engineer met in Year 7, and since, have been each others only friends. Pyro's job was setting people on fire. Everyone on the enemy team is afraid of/ hates Pyro. Engineer, on the other hand, was an easy target. It was almost lunchtime. Engineer went over to Pyro. " Hey Pyro, I've just built my 23rd sentry. Can I rest now?" Sentry was the code word for his tripod mounted, camera controlled guns. "Mppphh- mppphhhh!" Pyro replied. Since Pyro kept the mask on 24/7, it caused him/her to speak in a muffled voice. What Pyro said was somthing along the lines of " Okay, I'll go defend our intelligence!" The intelligence was a small briefcase containing all thier plans. If the enemy got thier hands on it, they would be screwed. "Hey knucklehead!" Engineer turned. It was the teen everyone called "Scout." Scout was very weak, but he was very fast. He loved to drink a soda called "Bonk! Atomic punch!" For some reason, he thought he was better than Engineer in every single way, even when Engineer proved that he was superior. "Hey overalls, you SUCK!" Engineer sighed. There were no invasions, no wars, he was bored and now he had some asshole insulting him. "Look, Scout, go back to your home in America. My sentry still has all of its ammo. Make us both happy." "Shut up, hardhat!" "I could build an Asshole- repellent machine. You want that?" "Yeah, whatever, I'm still the best at cusses!" See what I mean? "Hey Engie!" "WTF is it, Scout!?" At this point, Engineer could take it no longer. He aimed for the head and fired. "You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head!" Pyro sighed. Put Engineer and Scout in a room and they're bound to argue. It took 40,000 anger management counsellers to shut them up for 12 seconds. "Mmmpphphphphphhh?" Pyro butted in. "If you want me to hear you," Scout shouted, "Speak up!!!" But Pyro didn't. Not because Pyro wouldn't, but because Pyro couldn't. The ground shook. Chapter 2 "BLU TEAM! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!" The BLU team were close enemies of the RED team. If you haven't noticed, Engineer, Pyro and, of course, Scout, were on the RED team. Not only could they get killed, but that meant that BLU Spy would be there. Engineer hated BLU Spy. He would use his Electro- sapper to destroy all his buildings. Not only that, but he could be anyone. He knew that if the BLU team DID manage to get through the defenses, the Sentrys would stop them. ... Right? One blink was all it took to see that each and every sentry was now a pile of junk. Scout raised his knife. Scout didn't usually have a knife, except if he was a... "Spy!" Scout- or, more properly, BLU Spy, ran as fast as a regular Scout- that is to say, fast- to the RED Intelligence. Engineer then shouted, "WE ARE SCREWED!!!" BLU Spy then ran with the Intelligence. However, Engineer noticed he was carrying somthing else. Spy had a triumphant grin on his face. He was carrying a bucket of acid. Engineer could not shoot him, as Spy then sloshed 7 litres of acid into his face. His face was burning as he fell to the floor, helpless and melting. He tried to call for a Medic, but his lips wouldn't move. Spy stood over him laughing. "You suck, Engie. You don't like me, I don't like you. No offense." Engineer was rolling now, frantic to stop the acid, but he couldn't. He was doomed now, and surley, death would close in... Then, Engineer felt a new strength surge into him. He felt his face rearranging. Spy's laughter was cut short by a BOOM! Spy was now the one on the ground. Engineer didn't know what he was doing, going crazy, but he knew he had to do it. He picked up Spy and started speaking... in reverse? He opened his mouth wider than he ever did and then, swallowed Spy in one gulp. Engineer felt powerful, but, had he been looking, noticed that this corpse was an empty shell. Spy was right behind him... Spy stuck the knife into Engineer's back. This would've killed Engineer, but Engineer just got mad. He punched Spy so hard that he flew over the BLU base and banged his head really hard. Spy was finally dead. Engineer looked in the mirror. He didn't know what he was, or who he was, but he said he looked like... ... A Vagineer. Chapter 3 Engineer woke up. He looked like he usually did. Phew. He was fine. Except for the fact that he was in a hospital bed. Pyro came in. "Mpmpmpmmh Mmpmpmpmpphph mph mph!" Pyro said. Pyro meant somthing like, "I'm really sorry about what happened last week, but you were acting crazy and your face was a bit messed up!" So it wasn't a weird dream. It was REAL. Wait. LAST WEEK? "Pyro, how long have I been here?" "Mpmmpmpmphphph mph." That meant "When you looked in a mirror, you stood triumphantly... and then collasped. Medic has been helping you for 8 days." Medic. Code for Peter Mongen. (Because he was, after all, a Medic.) "Did Medic say anything about it happening again?" "I'm afraid not, my friend." Engineer jumped. Medic had just strolled into the room. Pyro gave Medic a hateful look and left. I should have noted earlier that as friendly as Pyro was, Pyro didn't like Medic that much, even though he saved Pyro countless times. It was the one thing Engineer hated about Pyro, and they had had countless arguments about it. "Medic, are you certain that this won't happen again?" "I can't be certain about that." Engineer tried to get up, but Medic pushed him back down. "You are not ready yet. You need to stay under zis Ubercharge for a few more days." Ubercharge is the medical device used as a substitute for first aid. Medic then left. A few days later, Engineer was on the battle field once more. This time, Sniper was with him. Demoman was there too. Pyro wasn't there, though. Engineer had built 8 Sentrys around the borders. Sniper just stood there, waiting for a target to headshoot. Demoman was doing his usual thing. Getting drunk and passing out. (This sounds racist to me, this was Valve's idea, blame them.) Nothing could go wrong today! However, suddenly, Engineer saw a teammate of his lying on the ground somewhere far away. He knew he shouldn't have, but he ran over to his fallen teammate. The one one the floor was Pyro. Chapter 4 Pyro looked up at Engineer. "Pyro, what happened?" Engineer's face was full of tears. He couldn't stand the thought of losing his best friend. "Mpmppph..." Pyro began, but Pyro couldn't speak. Engineer knew Pyro didn't have to. No, no! After a very strong friendship, Pyro couldn't just suddenly die on him!!! Pyro looked up at the sky. S/he pointed to the bright sun. Pyro then lay still and didn't move again. This wasn't right. Engineer had always assumed that him and Pyro would die together, in the hospital. Not killed in cold blood. It couldn't end this way!!! Engineer was full of sadness. He made a silent promise that whoever killed Pyro was going to pay. A LOT. Engineer looked up and saw somebody. He now knew who was responsible for Pyro's death. That person was BLU Spy.The last one was a dead ringer. "Look what I did to your friend there! Hahaha!" Spy ran off mockingly, saying taunt after taunt at Engineer. A new emotion filled Engineer like a balloon. Rage. He could feel his face morphing again. The event last week was happening again. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!" were the last words Engineer said before he slipped into insanity. He was a killing machine. He incapitated everyone in his way, including the strongest enemies. Death didn't matter now, all that mattered is that BLU Spy pay. He ran after BLU Spy like a rhino, charging into anyone in his way. BLU Spy was running too fast though. Engineer's eyes were red with rage, his anger taking control of him. He ran as Spy fired a few bullets, but Engineer seemed to be bullet proof. Spy turned into a corner, Engineer thought he had him, but he was gone. He had been tricked. He then returned to normal and wept for his deceased comrade. BLU Spy must pay. Chapter 5 After almost a week of not going into battle, he finally worked up the courage to walk onto the battlefield. The same place that Pyro died. He focused on the past, but this time, not on Pyro. This time, he thought about his (Almost) alter- ego. His messed up face and his insanity. First he decided to give it a name for easier reference. It took him the whole morning, but he settled on "Vagineer." Next, he decided to practice controlling it. For the first few days of this practice, Vagineer sent 4 of his teamates to the hospital. Eventually, Engineer succeeded to control Vagineer and sent only 1 person to the hospital, but that was an enemy Scout. Engineer found that while he was Vagineer, he was pretty much invincible. Bullets bounced off him, instakill moves didn't hurt and he slaughtered evereyone in his way. He also found that Vagineer could expand his head to up to 100 times its original size. This was perfect for eating people (It had a horrible aftertaste though, so he rarely did it.) However, he discovered that he spoke in reverse when he was Vagineer, so he couldn't communicate very well. Those were his discoveries on Vagineer through the last month. Five days later, he decided to train for battle with Vagineer. First he put a cardboard cutout of a Scout in front of him. Engineer let himself become Vagineer. He then ate the cardboard in one bite. Vagineer placed a moving Scout in front of him. Considering Vagineer was more of a melee person than a long- ranged person, he tried to test himself. Vagineer ran and ran... But he couldn't get it. Uhh... He felt sick from eating the cardboard. Vagineer shot a puke projectile from his mouth. It hit the Scout and he melted. So... it looked like Vagineer had a long ranged attack after all. He let himself become Engineer again and rested. Engineer had a laptop. Oh no, not a regular laptop. This was a laptop that he built from scrap metal and a box of pancake mix when he was bored one day (you've probably forgotten that Engineers build stuff) so he called it "My special laptop." Anyway, he went on his laptop and saw an article on MSN that would change his life. UFO SIGHTINGS IN TEXAS! Chapter 6 Engineer wasted no time packing. There were a few reasons why he really wanted to go. #Texas was where he came from, so he would be in his home turf. #He was an expert on UFOs. #He could make a scientific discovery. When Scout came in (the real Scout this time, not a Spy) he asked, "Whyya in such a hurry, hardhat?" "I... I gotta go." "Why?" "I'm going back to Texas to discover some scientific history. A UFO, Scout. This could benefit a lot of people." " I see. Y'know, just to make your life easier, take this. Not that you'll survive that long, but have it." Scout ran off. Engineer looked at what Scout gave him. It was a picture of him and Pyro as young children. They were playing a nice game of cards, care free, really happy. Engineer couldn't wipe the tears out of his eyes. However, he looked at the bottom and it had a minature trumpet on it. On it was a note. It said, "Hey Engie, how do you like this? I stole it from Soldier (code for Jane Doe) the other night. It's called the Buff Banner. Blow into it, and it will solve all your problems. You can only use it once though." Engineer took the mini trumpet and set off on his journey. However, Soldier immediatley blocked him. "Where's my Buff Banner?!" Oh dear. Engineer couldn't let Soldier know he had it! "Ummmmmm..." "Too slow! Gimme 20!" "Soldier, I'm an Engineer, not some dumbass." "You will be cryin for mamma before the day ends, Engie!" Soldier reached for Engineer's shotgun, but a 2- ton mass hit him right off his feet. The mass was Vagineer. He returned to normal."I told ya don't touch that darn thing!" Engineer walked off, Soldier not being able to get up. Chapter 7 Engineer was lost. He had went through a forest, two deserts and loads of suburbs. He had brought his shotgun, his blueprints for all his machines, his wrench, loads of ammunition, his guitar, a years worth of food and, of course, the Buff Banner. And he managed to get lost. He wandered around, but he always ended back at the same place again. Was it him, or did everything look the same? He sighed. He was never going to find Texas at this rate. Even his best navigation device didn't work that well. He decided to camp there for the night. He was tired, hungry and was just fed up. The first day and he already wanted to go home. He played his guitar while watching the beautiful night skies. That was the good thing about camping in a forest. Your views are just brilliant. He was so happy, that he turned to Pyro to ask to take watch when he remembered that Pyro was dead. He suddenly felt sad, but also angry. None of this would've happened if BLU Spy didn't exist. Vagineer, the death of Pyro, the ruin of his life. EVERYTHING. He was here to clean up BLU Spy's mess. The next morning, he woke up. On a good day, he would wake up to the sound of birds chirping. On a bad day, like today, he would wake up with a gun to his head. He was taken captive and locked up in a cell, never to return... Or at least, that is what was predicted. As soon as the guards turned thier backs, Vagineer broke through the walls as though they were butter. As usual, the bullets did nothing to him, but he could still get kicked in his nuts. That is what happened. Vagineer fell to the floor with pain. One person came with a sword and held it over his head. The sword started to lower, it was like in slow motion. Vagineer couldn't move. His battle records, his life... They were at stake, but it was like he could just sit there and watch it happen. He thought Vagineer was strong, but now he was about to pay the price for that assumation. The sword lowered even further. Vagineer shut his eyes... Suddenly, the man got set on fire. Vagineer looked up. He felt himself becoming Engineer again. He looked at the battlefield. Everyone was dead and on fire... except for one person. Engineer felt relief, happness and extreme joy fill up in his body to see this person. "Mmmpmpmmpmmmppph," Pyro announced, "Hi, Engineer, I haven't seen you for a week! What happened?" Chapter 8 Five hours. That's how long it took to fill Pyro in on the situation. According to Pyro, s/he was looking for Engineer for 34 hours without food, water or sleep. Pyro was THAT determined to find his/her friend. "Pyro, you should get some rest if you haven't slept for almost two days. I got a feeling that you need that energy for the future." Pyro took this advice and went to a tent that s/he brought along. It was big enough to accomodate 8 people, in case Pyro found anyone. When Engineer saw that Pyro was asleep, he wasted no time in placing a few sentrys around the tent so that none of them would get captured. It was fool-proof. ... Or, almost foolproof. the one person who could destroy his sentrys was someone he hated with all his anger and was the person he wanted to see have his blood shedding. ... BLU Spy... Engineer saw he was safe, and then went into another room of the tent to have a nap too. He was in a dark place, with BLU Spy at his side with 2 henchmen. He saw a mechanical device of some sort... "We must hurry if we want to find the UFO on time," Spy said. Spy then turned in Engineers direction. "Oh, look. The Engie. He is following us in his dreams, people. Hopefully he won't get there in time, but just in case...kill him and get it over with." The two henchmen took aim and fired. Engineer woke up. He thought he was dead. He was in a tent with sentrys around it. Spy was after the same thing. "Pyro! Pyro!" Engineer shook Pyro awake. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmphhph..." "Hey, what was that for..." "Spy is after the UFO as well. If we don't get him in time, we will not succeed!" (Im as bad as valve updating this) "Mpmpmphhhh..." "No, you must've had a dream..." "Yeah. Maybe. I've had a rough few weeks..." The explosion that came then emphasised his point. "What the..." He looked outside. "SENTRY DOWN!!!" BLU Sniper was there. He was holding a Jar of Piss- or as he liked to call "Jarate"- in his hand. It had special powers that weaken a victims immune sistem temporarily. "You got lucky, mate," BLU Sniper said, "I would've blown your head off if your '''toys '''werent there. Now, I've got special gear in case you show your uglyface self. Just stand still, let me kill you and we are all happy!" "Tempting, but no." He knew what Sniper had. A stabproof vest, a Sniper rifle called "The Machina" and a sharp wooden Kukri he liked to call "The Tribalmans Shiv." Any weaknesses? Oh well. Better die a hero. He became Vagineer. "Oh are you THAT stupid now, are ya mate?" I have now ceased production of this fan fiction until October 2012 to start a new one called "Left 4 Dead: Conversion." Check it out if you are a Valve nerd like me,or, if you hate my stuff, feel free to leave a bunch of meaningless Spam comments about my Fanfic being rubbish. I do not blame you.